Archive for the 'Psychology' Category

Tantric massage is very popular with men, and it seems that the majority of men have few qualms about being adventurous and trying out something new in the feld of sensual exploration.

But what about women? Are they more cautious? Are their needs different?

There are several tantric groups and workshops available where both women and men can go and take part for a few hours, or for a weekend, or for several weekends, in programmes where they are taught to communicate more clearly and honestly, and to get in touch with their senses and feelings in a more profound and deeper way. But they usually dont get to give or receive a tantric massage until they have progressed and participated in a determined number of these workshops.

The clients who come to us  are people who want to receive a one on one massage and in the main, are not attracted to participating in a group. But these workshops may be ideal for many other men or women who want to work on different personal issues, or who may initially find the idea of receiving a tantric massage from a total stranger, a little too threatening.

Celeste has been practicing as a tantric masseuse at our tantric massage clinic in Kensington for over 3 years now. She is the only masseuse at our clinic to offer tantric massage and tuition to women and couples, and she has been conducting her own research into what is on offer in London in the field of tantric massage for women.

She decided that she wanted to be indulged and pampered herself and wanted to receive the type of blissful tantric massage which she offers to others. She was very clear that she did not want any psychological counselling, just a really excellent  and enjoyable professional tantric massage. She hoped that she would be able to give the glowing positive type of feedback which she constantly receives from both her male and female clients.

She did quite a bit of research on the internet, and also spoke to several other tantric masseuses and friends about their experiences receiving tantric massages in London and abroad. In the end, she narrowed down her list to 3 male tantric masseurs who all practice in London and who have websites with clear explanations and excellent feedback from their clients. Over the past year, she has received a tantric massage from each one of these three male tantric therapists – who shall remain nameless.

Below are the results and conclusions of her little experiment:

What Celeste hoped to receive in her ideal tantric massage:

1. The practitioner should be a skilled massage therapist and the massage should be a REAL massage, since in her experience, only a real massage can truly relax the body and hence the mind. She did not want light, feathery stroking, using light touch, feathers, furry gloves, furry animals etc. It is in fact not easy to find someone really skilled in massage.

2. A woman needs to be allowed to get into her own space and concentrate entirely on herself. This implies that the therapist really can intuit or feel her needs without continually having to check back with her. Also  this requires a  therapist  with a calm mind , and this clarity, calm and peacefulness should be reflected in the environment in which he /she works.

3. She doesn’t want to be put in a situation where there is a subtle pressure to please the therapist. In other words the therapist should be able to put his/her ego aside and not have a personal agenda.

4. She wants to feel that her needs are understood, that communication is clear, comfortable and straightforward. Respect and trust come from the therapist being authentic and truly listening to the client. ( She doesn’t want to be constantly referred to as ‘Goddess’ or hear other cliches like ‘ Be in your own space’. This terminology is really off-putting and automatically suggests that the therapist is playing yet another game – using cliches and labels from the ‘tantric therapy’ world).

5. The massage should be intimate without being intrusive.

6. The massage therapist should be skilled at giving a yoni massage.

7. The massage therapist should have ‘healing hands’ or a real quality of touch.

8.There should be a clear understanding about the fees before the massage begins.

It is true that women are far harder to read than men, their needs may be more subtle, and  often more psychologically complex, which  could  be  why it is harder for a male therapist. However, one popular male tantric therapist claims that there are many advantages for a woman to receive a tantric massage from a male therapist  because of the ‘yin-yang’ energy balance .  He claims that he really knows how a woman wants to be touched, that a woman needs the male energy to harmonise with hers, etc. In theory, it all sounds very good and full of insight – but the massage Celeste received from him was a total disappointment. Just a little detail: when Celeste asked him why he didnt massage her hands, he responded that massaging hands was too intimate !  He did ask her to send him feedback and she sent him a very detailed email – trying to be objective – he never responded. Maybe he only appreciates positive feedback…..

Another problem Celeste found with some of the  tantric massage therapists was that they seemed to unduly identify  themselves as ‘therapists’ or ‘healers’. Some sort of background in psychology  should, in theory, be helpful. But Celeste found that they seemed rather too identified with their image as a therapist -  which seemed to prevent them from really listening to her. They tended to come out with all kinds of  ‘tantric ‘and psychological cliches and platitudes which also  demonstrated a lack of basic  practical wisdom and common sense. For example, instead of being encouraged to sink deeper into her own self, she found herself having to answer questions like: ‘ On a scale of 1-10 how does that feel?’ These types of question immediately took her out of her body and put her back into her head , which was the total opposite of what a tantric massage is supposed to do.

Joseph Kramer, who was one of the people who originally coined the term ‘tantric massage’ in the USA in the 1970′s wrote:

“I dont believe in ‘sexual healing’ I think most of what is called ‘sexual healing is really sexual education or loving sex or playful sex or self-healing.”

“Some individuals feel shame about discussing their sexual desires with their partners. When folks can’t tell their partners what feels good to them and what doesn’t, they will end up spending much of their lovemaking time enduring their partner’s fumbling and insensitivity.” http://www.sexologicalbodywork.com

However, how do you tell your tantric masseur that he is not doing things right? One doesn’t want to be put in a position where we are actually worried about hurting the feelings of the therapist, but this is in fact, what Celeste found. For example, she found at one point that she was just beginning to be in her own moment, and in her own body, when the therapist began to lie on top of her and started talking to her, totally encroaching on a potentially deeper experience.

There are many other examples of the lack of massage skills, subtlety of touch and understanding, genuine sensitivity, or true integrity which she experienced, but we will leave it there for the purposes of this article.

I was  very interested to hear about Celeste’s experiences, in part because I had received positive feedback from other women about these particular male tantric therapists. My personal conclusion is that  many women have been so hurt or deeply disappointed  by past relationships, that they are easily satisfied by any male therapist who they can talk to, who seems to understand, who hugs them warmly, treats them kindly, touches them gently and tells them that he can help remove their blocks, that  they are a goddess etc. This may momentarily restore a woman’s self-confidence.

Maybe Celeste has higher expectations. Maybe she is already more in touch with herself and has been fortunate enough to have had positive relationships and  received really excellent sensual and other massages in the past – and consequently knows the difference between a mediocre massage and a really exceptional massage. Maybe she is more emotionally secure and is not looking for a few hugs and warm words and some kind of emotional support. She can very easily detect psychological or ‘tantric’ cliches and ‘bullshit.’ She  simply wants to receive the really excellent kind of tantric massage which she herself offers.

So far, her conclusion is that a woman is more likely to get an excellent professional tantric massage from another woman, who naturally can intuit her needs more easily than a man. But she hasn’t given up hope….. Celeste is now considering taking a trip to Germany, to experience a professional tantric massage there. German tantric massage therapists have a very good reputation. We will keep you updated on her findings !

If you’ve been reading the newspapers recently, you will have been struck by yet another flurry of stories about famous men and their affairs: Arnold Schwarzeneger and his ‘love child’, Chris Huhne and the speeding ticket, Dominique Strauss-Kahn the ex-head of the IMF and then there is the ‘famous footballer’ who was finally named – there was even an article in the Independent entitled “Is Anyone Faithful Any More?” in which a relationship expert states that “nowadays we have a problem with instant gratificiation” and the internet is partly to blame – “It’s so easy to hook up on the internet.”

The article also quoted John Gottman, emeritus professor at the University of Washington, who is probably the world’s leading expert on relationships and marital stability. One of his most interesting findings concerns gay relationships:     “in 200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today – crucial in these relationsips is honesty about sex….. Gays and lesbians are more honest. They talk explicitly aobut monogamy and sex and are more mature and honest and less fragile in talking about it.”

In our tantric tuition sessions, we have also found that honesty in communicating is so very important. Couples who want to learn to relax more together and improve the sensual side of their relationship are discovering new communication skills and ways of increasing intimacy, whilst learning to give one another a tantric massage.

In the words of Eckhart Tolle: “When listening to another person, don’t just listen with your mind, listen with your whole body. Feel the energy field of your inner body as you listen. That takes attention away from thinking and creates a still space that enable you to truly listen without the mind interfering. You  are giving the other person space – space to be.  It is the most precious gift you can give. Most people don’t know how to listen because the major part of their attention is taken up by thinking. They pay more attention to what is going on in their own mind,  than to what the other person is saying, and none at all to what really matters: the being of the other person, underneath the words and mind. Of course you cannot feel someone else’s being except through your own. This is the beginning of the realisation of oneness, which is love. At the deepest level of being, you are one with all that is. Most human relationships consist mainly of minds interacting with each other, not of human beings communicating, being in communion. No relationship can thrive in that way and that is why there is so much conflict in relationships.”

What Eckhart Tolle is saying is, in part, tantric philosophy. Discover who you really are – the ‘you’ beyond your mind, the place in the heart from which you connect with love, and you will feel at one with everyone. Your life will become filled with love and harmony.

So you could take a first step and learn to give your partner a sensual massage – it is a wonderful way of learning to connnect. When you give a sensual massage, you are automatically using your inner intuition and you are listening with your body. You are ‘feeling’ the person rather than trying to analyse or mentally understand them.

I loved the TV series called The Sex Inspectors which took a detailed look into the sex lives of couples who were in long term relationships. The show’s presenters, Tracey Cox and Michael Alvear, prescribed a series of tasks, techniques and tips to help the couple have the kind of sex which leaves them satisfied. Many of the tips could have come straight out of a tantric massage manual. It was a fascinating programme, particularly because it achieved such phenomenal results, and couples whose relationship was becoming boring and had lost its spark, were re-united and rekindled their original feelings for one another. According to a commentator:  “The Sex Inspectors could be seen as a means of helping couples experience the kind of jump start to their sex life which is often achieved by having an affair”….. they should have added: or by learning tantric massage……

Below is a short video clip of Michael Alvear giving some humourous but practical advice to men on the issue of premature ejaculation:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6q5r3_premature-ejaculation-how-to-make-y_fun

Esalen, in northern California, was founded in 1962, and became a centre for the ‘human potential’ movement…It was an institute devoted to the exploration of the world of ‘unrealized capacities that lies beyond the imagination.’ It became known for its experimental workshops, the steady influx of philosophers, psychologists, artists and spiritual thinkers, as well as its breathtaking grounds, blessed with natural hotsprings.  The photos above show visitors receiving the renowned naked Esalen massages in the open air and lying in the  hot tubs which are so popular there, and all over  California.

I went to live in California in the 1970′s and became very involved in the human potential movement and the psychological experimentation which was so popular at the time. I would go to workshops and bang pillows , raging at my parents, and trying to let out all my anger…….but little by little, I realised that the more I screamed, the more angry I was becoming, and the theory that if only I screamed long and hard enough, all my bottled up anger would disappear, did not seem to stand the test of experience.

Gradually, it began to make more sense to experience anger as something to be transcended, through deeper understanding of its roots.

I received the following story today from a friend. I think it helps one to deal with anger, and to understand the roots of anger, in a far deeper, more subtle and beautiful way……

Why We Shout When in Anger        – a spiritual story

A Holy saint who was visiting a river to  bathe,  found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples and asked:

‘Why do people in anger shout at each other ?’

The disciples thought for a while, and one of them said: ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout.’

‘But why should you shout when the other person is just next to you?You can just as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner’ asked the saint.

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.

Finally, the saint explained: ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to hear each other, to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They dont shout at each other, but talk softly, because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either non-existent or very small…’

The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they  need not even whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

He looked at his disciples and said:’ So when you argue, do not let your hearts get distant. Do not say words that distance each other even more. Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.’

how to slow down and just be

I was struck recently by an article written by Carl Honore, on the subject of slow sex… He writes:

‘The other day a buddy of mine was making love to his new girlfriend when her IPhone beeped with an incoming text message. Like any guy, he hoped she would ignore the alert – or even fail to notice it altogether. The opposite happened. The woman opened her eyes, grabbed the phone from the bedside table and read the message. She then typed out a short reply.

“To be fair, she apologised and suggested we go back to the sex” says my crestfallen friend, ” But it was kind of a mood-killer.”

Two conclusions can be drawn from an anecdote like this. The first is that my friend maybe needs to brush up on his sexual technique. The second is that his girlfriend’s behaviour reveals something alarming about the way we live nowadays. In this media-drenched, mutitasking, always-on age, many of us have forgotten how to unplug and immerse ourselves completely in the moment. We have forgotten how to slow down.’

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-honore/in-praise-of-slow-sex_b_322026.html

The reason this article attracted my attention was that this used to happen quite a lot during tantric massage sessions, especially  when mobile phones first became popular. We even had a client who insisted on placing his mobile by his head, because he was always expecting ‘urgent calls.’ You can imagine the interesting situations which arose when the phone would ring at  a particularly inappropriate moment !

I started practicing tantric massage in 1992 and most people didnt have mobile phones or websites in those days – but gradually since then, life has speeded up more and more.

So, how to slow down?  You might think the answer is easy – ie just simply decide to  slow down. But anyone who has seriously tried, knows that it is not that simple. Or you might be one of those people who has become addicted to living at a fast pace, and are asking why should I slow down ?

As Carl Honore says: ‘ Everywhere, people are discovering that doing things more slowly often means doing them better and enjoying them more. It means living life instead of rushing through it.’

There are numerous best-selling  books, workshops, websites, and courses which  teach a wide variety of  ways to slow down, reduce stress, lead more meaningful lives, etc.  At the end of the day,  we each need to re-discover  that ‘still place’ within ourself which has always been there -  Just as a tree just IS  – and offers its flowers and fruit to all – the sages tell us that our fundamental nature is peace, bliss and love – but we identify instead with the busy workings of our mind.

Naturally, you will expect me to say that  a tantric massage at our studio at tantric massage london in kensington, will give you the beautiful experience of totally relaxing into the moment, and will hopefully give you some tools and insights for maintaining that state in the future…..and it is true, it will….. but what else could I suggest….

Personally, I love the poems of the great mystics because poetry can obliquely  give us a taste of  something which is harder to convey in a more straightforward way. It can draw our attention inwards to the peace within, and touch our inner being simply by reading and assimilating the words.  Here is one of my favourites – It is by Ibn Arabi, the great sufi mystic (1165-1240).

Dearly beloved!
I have called you so often and you have not heard Me.
I have shown Myself to you so often and you have not seen Me.
I have made Myself fragrance so often, and you have not smelled Me,
Savorous food, and you have not tasted Me.
Why can you not reach Me through the object you touch
Or breathe Me through sweet perfumes?
Why do you not see Me?  Why do you not hear Me?
Why? Why? Why?
For you My delights surpass all other delights,
And the pleasure I procure you surpasses all other pleasures.
For you I am preferable to all other good things,
I am Beauty, I am Grace
Love Me, love Me alone.
Love yourself in Me, in Me alone.
Attach yourself to Me,
No one is more inward than I.
Others love you for their own sakes,
I love you for yourself.
And you, you flee from Me.

je t'aime moi non plus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO0J7O960ls

(turn on the volume on your computer)

The majority of people who come to our Tantric Massage Clinic in London, both men and women, come on their own. Sometimes they tell their partner, but the majority do not, because they feel their partner may object, feel jealous, feel insecure, or simply will not understand why they should come to us.

However, we are getting more and more brave couples who come together, as a couple, to enhance the sensual side of their relationship. I call them brave, because it does require courage for a woman to have her partner lie on a massage table, and be aroused to orgasm by another woman, even if that woman is a tantric masseuse. In the same way, it takes courage for a man to admit that he could improve his skills and be taught how to give more pleasure to his wife. And they are also brave because, rather than give up trying to work on their relationship,and come to us secretly, they come openly and united as a couple.

Once the initial step has been taken, and inhibitions and fears have been set aside, and the appointment has been made, couples do feel so many benefits. Here is an email we have received from a couple who visited us recently:

‘Eva and Celeste, I thought I should send a quick thank you for a wonderful time yesterday. Though we were  nervous, both of you have an amazing gift and we really enjoyed the time we spent there. We have already started practising some of the techniques and even ended up making love the same evening…… Again thank you for a great time and it has already started making a difference…….’

We get many similar emails.

So, what actually happens in a tantric massage couples tuition session ?

The sessions are completely tailored to suit each couple – they learn to give one another a tantric massage and get to try out new ideas and experiment with sensual touch.At the beginning, we have a short chat to find out exactly what the couple wants to learn, or whether they have any specific issues or questions.

Usually the woman is the first to receive the massage, while the man joins me in giving the massage. If he likes, he can watch for a little at the beginning and then gradually join me and I can demonstrate different types of techniques. We then swap over, with the man receiving the massage and the woman can join in at any stage. If the partners simply want to just observe the other receiving a massage, that is fine… or if they want a more hands on/lesson approach, where they are more involved, I can go over the strokes with them and make sure that they learn and understand the various techniques and what I do for each phase of the massage.

It is a very relaxed and open environment and couples often find it easier to articulate about what feels good to them and why in a setting with a ‘neutral person’, ie. someone outside of the relationship. Having a ‘neutral’ person there also helps positively with communication, and avoids saying things like ‘why didnt you tell me this before’….. we suggest ways of giving feedback in a positive manner – ie. saying ‘that feels really good’ or ‘ it feels nice this way’ rather than saying ‘that doesnt feel nice.’

Once we actually discover what feels pleasurable, its easy to communicate this to our partner….. the problem often is that people are not really aware of their feelings and sensations at a deeper level… they are so used to falling into old patterns of response, often in order to please their partner, that they lose touch with what really feels good to them. Over time, partners who have been together for years, fall into habits and limit themelves to taking about what has become acceptable or comfortable. It can be quite daunting and hard to instigate conversations about new approaches to intimacy. Partners dont want to hurt or offend or create resentment, suspicion, jealousy or insecurity.

During a tantric massage couples session, both partners are on an ‘even playing field.’  I make sure that there is an open and non-judgmental environment, so that everyone is as comfortable as possible giving/receiving and talking about the massage.

We encourage the partner who is receiving the massage to go deep within, and not feel the need to give feedback or talk at all whilst receiving the massage. Most sexual or sensual situations are focused on someone or something external from ourselves – be it visual, porn, emotional needs, or wanting to give and please. To completely surrender and learn to receive pleasure passively can enable us to actually feel what is going on in our own bodies and experience our inner sensuality at a much deeper level, discarding the usual thoughts of focusing on someone or something else.

A tantric massage  or tuition session for couples can, in this way, contribute to an ongoing sensual journey together, and can provide a new platform for open discussion, communication and the practicing of a different and deeper level of intimacy.

dream lover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfwMiH7eCpI

(make sure you turn on the sound on your computer)

Tantric Tuition for Women

Little girls are brought up with the romantic  idea that one day they will meet their knight in shining armour, who will sweep her off her feet, love her for ever,  and life will be wonderful  ever after.

We have been spoon-fed these romantic  images, by novels, movies and our culture in general.

But the reality, or the inside stories, reveal something very different going on under the surface.

clark gable

Novels like Lady Chatterley’s lover, which was banned when it was first written, have now been read by most schoolgirls. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is part of our culture….. as is Walt Disney’s Cinderella singing ‘Some Day My Prince will Come.’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiaYTJohZOE&feature=related

(turn on the volume on your computer)

some day my prince will come

 We all know about the love life of famous politicians like Robert Kennedy, millionaires like Howard Hughes, footballers, starting with the first ‘pop’ footballer George Best, latin lovers like Rudolph Valentino and Clark Gable, and the most famous womanizer of them all, Casanova.

howard hughes

But what is it like being married to these men … They may be able to sweep women off their feet initially, but what happens after that….?

It must be very difficult, if not impossible, for anyone to live up to the the huge expectations which are built up in the minds of both men and women, by our culture.

Fortunately, sex education is prevalent in schools nowadays, and most teenagers know a surprising amount about the mechanics of sex. But does anyone teach them about their emotions, getting in touch with themselves at a deeper level, and learning to communicate in an honest way?

george best

Because of the more complex nature of women’s bodies, emotions and minds, many men view women as somewhat of a mystery, even after having been married to one for many years.

Many women experience difficulty or inability to orgasm, and because this comes as a surprise to the woman herself, she often doesnt understand herself what is happening, and finds it even more difficult to talk about her concerns to her partner.

Here, at Tantric Massage London in Kensington, we offer a safe and supportive space for women to explore and discover their own bodies at a deeper level, and this enables them to communicate more openly with their partner about their needs. It is difficult to tell your partner what your needs are when you yourself are not sure. Many women experience sex or sensual contact as a reaction to a male initiating intimacy, and trying to adjust and respond to whatever pace he sets – which is often too fast for her, and does not allow her to fully relax, surrender and build up the sexual energy in her body to its full potential.

Prior to the massage, I have a short chat with the client, in order to enable her to explain any details she would like to go over, or anything in particular that she would like to focus on, and I tailor the session to suit her. I ensure that she is comfortable enough to be able to verbally or physically guide me and give me feedback if she wishes at any stage of the session. I have found that when a woman is comfortable enough to communicate with me, it not only helps me, but can enable her to discover her own body in a safe, non-judgemental or rushed setting. I combine subtlety, sensitivity and a well-developed intuition, without being too delicate – not every woman likes feather-soft touch, not every woman likes firm touch. It is the finely tuned combination of all types of touch, interwoven in a complete full body massage, that provides the key to our tantric massage and tantric tuition for women.

A woman instinctively knows how to touch a woman and what feels good. Our tantric massage for women is a full body, sensual experience which allows the space and time for a  client to feel her body in a unique and very special way.

There is no need to give back, or to do anything – the idea is to completely surrender into receiving pleasure and there is no pressure or need to perform and please. The tantric masseuse ensures that you are completely comfortable throughout, and has an innate understanding of how to listen and respond to a woman’s body. A combination of soft, light, deep and firm full body strokes, relaxes the body and mind. The sexual energy is awakened and progressively built up, entwining the breasts and yoni(vagina)massage. Speed and pressure  are balanced, to enhance the full body experience and the session is tailored individually for each client. I will respond and work within whatever you are comfortable with. If you are wanting to completely let go and explore your own body – or if you want to go at a different pace – there is no right or wrong way to experience a Tantric Massage.

Sometimes women can “think” themselves to orgasm. As women generally take longer to reach a climax, they may have a tendency to try to hurry it up, and impede the full sexual/sensual potential of their body. By removing the pressure to please the giver, or being pressured to have an orgasm, you can actually focus on opening up to your sexual energy in your own way, at your own pace, with no pressure or need to give back. This may sound self-indulgent to some, but the truth is that  by experiencing your own body at a deeper level, you will have a more tangible reference point from which to communicate or demonstrate your needs to a partner, and this in turn will give him more pleasure. We have found that men are delighted to be told what to do to please their partner, and even more delighted and aroused when they see her really in touch with, and enjoying her own body.

Tantric Tuition for Men

Part 1 – Tantric Tuition for Men

When men ask for a tantric tuition session, the two main things they want to learn more about are:

1. Ejaculation Control

2. How to really give pleasure to a woman

1.  Ejaculation Control

 Many men experience concerns with premature ejaculation in some form or another during their life, and hope to learn some techniques to help them to last longer. A large majority find that when they are simply lying on the massage table, with no pressure to perform, their ‘premature ejaculation’ problem disappears, and they are able to last naturally for far longer than they thought, with no special effort on their part.

There are several reasons for this. A lot of so called premature ejaculation issues arise from the pressure to perform and please a partner. When that pressure is removed, very often the problem evaporates. We encourage our clients to get in touch with their passive side and experience the feelings and sensation in their body, and to enjoy receiving unconditional touch – where there is no need to respond or reciprocate. In this way, a man can learn to let go fully. A lot of the time, men feel that they should be responding, that they should be the doers, and sometimes this becomes so ingrained that they are afraid that they will not be turned on if they cannot look at a beautiful woman’s naked body, or touch the masseuse.  However, once they begin to experience the currents of energy flowing through their body, and get carried away in a total body orgasm, the last thing on their mind is to touch the masseuse. They become totally absorbed in the sensations within their own body.

Naturally all men are different, and their responses will vary. We do teach some simple breathing techniques which help with general relaxation, and are helpful for premature ejaculation. We also ask our clients to communicate with us and to let us know if they feel that they are about to ‘come’ at any point. This enables us to regulate the pressure we use, and help them to get to the point just before orgasm (the plateau phase) and then to relax, and we then slowly build up the pressure again. We do this several times, building up the energy within the body, so that the orgasm, when it comes, is much more intense than usual, and encompasses the entire body, rather than being just a fleeting localised feeling. Some men do not need to ejaculate, and experience what is known as an internal orgasm.

We let the tantric tuition session evolve in a very natural way. We do not believe in imposing techniques, but enabling the body to re-learn how to relax and let go. A lot of issues around premature ejaculation involve the person’s mind, and tendency to worry, and having to learn a whole load of new techniques could add to this worry. We have also found that once a client is able to last longer in this way with us in our tantric massage studio, it is as if he has become ‘rewired’, and it is much easier for him to replicate the experience at home, with his partner. It is , however, important for his partner to also take things very slowly, relaxing into arousal, and maybe breathing in harmony with her spouse, to keep the pace nice and slow. It is very important not to fall into a pattern of ‘ being in a rush’ which is what so often happens.

2. How to really give pleasure to a woman

 We have had many female clients complain to us that their partner does not touch her gently or sensitively enough and does not really understand how to turn her on, or how her body works. Often also, our male clients are aware of the fact that their spouse has lost interest in their sexual relationship. Part of the cause can be a lack of communication skills. Partners do not feel comfortable telling one another that they are not really enjoying the way they are being touched or treated. In our tantric tuition sessions for men, we show our client how to touch a woman, what feels good and what doesnt, and we allow them to practice on us. We also make suggestions about how to  communicate some of these issues to their partner in a way which might be more acceptable or understandable. We instruct them on how to give a tantric massage to a woman, and how to lay out the ideal setting for a tantric massage  in their own  home.

We have received a lot of positive feedback on these tantric tuition sessions for men, and after only one or two appointments, many clients report a noticeable improvement in their sex life at home. Several clients have followed up on their training,  and subsequently brought their wives to our tantric massage clinic, to experience our tantric tuition session for couples, together.

I enjoyed reading this article, partly because of the underlying humour, and partly also because it highlights some of the paradoxes that we all face in our lives.

Here are some snippets from the article:

‘Every man faces the battle between the urge for monogamy and promiscuity…’

‘The wish to be free and the  wish to belong…. the difficult bit has always been balancing the yearning for an impressive sexual CV and the longing for a wife, family and home….’

‘Some men stay early… some men stray late…. And men spend a lifetime trying to negotiate a peace settlement between these most basic of instincts…’

‘Some men stray for a bit and then they settle down. That is what many women find difficult to accept … sometimes a man strays not because he is a heartless fornicating bastard, but simply because he hasnt yet met the right girl…’

The author then gives examples of 3 well-known men:

- Tiger Woods:  ’ I thought I could get away with everything I wanted to…. I felt I had worked hard and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me…’

- Paul Newman: ‘You dont go out for hamburger when you have steak at home.’

Warren Beatty : ‘Look at Warren Beatty. Warren is not going out on the pull tonight. Because once you have had enough sex, the staying is better than the straying.’

The author comes to several conclusions…. he says : ‘ Men go out for a Big Mac when they have prime fillet waiting at home, they go out for fishfingers when sushi is in the fridge…….. we could save ourselves – and our girlfriends and our wives so much trouble if we could have a period of wanton straying, followed by decades of blissful staying….  if you are wise, if you are lucky – you get to that Paul Newman moment when you say ” you know what ? I am really sick of bloody fishfingers.”…. but to get to that Paul Newman Valhalla – you need to have had your fill of hamburgers. There can be no staying without the straying ………

The tragedy is that sometimes men get it all the wrong way round. They do their staying. And then they really get stuck into their straying…..

The staying should never be second best, the staying should matter more than the straying… the staying is what the straying should lead to…… however it doesnt work that way. Our twin basic instincts must forever live together in uneasy peace, punctuated by periods of bloody conflict. The need to stray and the need to stay – This is the Middle East of the male soul.’

Look out for our response to Tony Parsons….during  the next few weeks, we will be writing some articles on sex therapy and the Tantric Tuition and Tantric Healing sessions we offer here  at Tantric Massage London,  which hopefully deal with some of these issues….

In modern times,there have been many ways of describing the union of Shiva and Shakti…. terms like yin and yang, getting in touch with your feminine side, metrosexual have all become popular at various periods during the past 40 years or so.

In the 60′s, we saw the beginning of a subconscious mood amongst men to start trying to appear less macho –  the Rolling Stones would perform on stage with makeup, wearing flamboyant, feminine blouses … they would be followed in the 70′s by David Bowie’s androgynous alter ego Ziggy Stardust. In the 80′s Alice Cooper recorded the song: ’ In Touch with your Feminine Side. And in the 90′s the term ‘metrosexual’ man became popular – but all this experimentation  also had a certain superficial,  materialistic and commercial side.

Below are 2 videos. The first  is a 1960′s  Rolling Stones recording of ‘Angie’. It was the days of ‘Flower Power’ and they are all holding roses, and look quite androgynous, singing a love song to Angie.

The 2nd video  illustrates  and beautifully explains the true symbolism of Shiva and Shakti , which is far deeper and more far-reaching. It reveals how Tantra can be seen as the union of the masculine and the feminine not only within ourself, but within the entire universe – and in truth, is the experience of Universal Love or  Divinity within us all.

Remember to turn on the sound on your computer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usEcJwrNHAg&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_AEuGsEWfU

                            Angie                                                The Union of Shiva and Shakti

We always love it when clients  give us feedback, because it is one sure way of truly finding out what they are experiencing, and it helps us also to learn and grow and adapt our way of working.

We recently received an interesting email from a client, the day after his session with us – following are a few sentences from his email which we found particularly interesting:

‘Please pass on my heartfelt thanks to Celeste for yesterday – 24 hr later Im still feeling blissful and serene…..

The overall effect was amazing and its the first time Ive felt that I could understand what you mean about ‘moving the energy around’ and experiencing sensations ‘with the whole body.’

I became interested in tantra because I love to massage my wife (who obviously loves it too !) and I wanted to be able to manage my own levels of excitement in a way which allow me to be present in the moment rather than trying to do the usual male things of thinking about tricky physics problems or trying to name the FA Cup Winners of the past 10 years as a means to distract oneself !.’

Many women may not be aware, when they are making love, with all their heart to their husband, that their man is actually  trying to concentrate on some tricky physics problems.. ! Wouldnt it be so much more wonderful if both partners could be concentrating on their loving feelings for one another and both be totally ‘present in the moment.’